Gold and jewels, how they glisten. The puter screen, Is a glistenin'. With icons so bright, They light up the night, Welcome to the e-mail wonderland! Gone away, Are the hall talks. Flagged "urgent, please read! Welcome to the e-mail wonderland! In the morning e-mails start to add up.
No lunch today cause messages abound. Just click away and hope the server stays up. You can't do your job if it goes down. The caffeine, Has got you wired.
The day's not complete, Till the last delete, Welcome to the e-mail wonderland! In the morning e-mails start to add up, No lunch today cause messages abound. Until you, Are retired, The same old grind, It is required. You'll face unafraid, That message parade. Welcome to the e-mail wonderland. Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear to the tune of Winter Wonderland Lacy things - the wife is missin, Didn't ask - her permission, I'm wearin' her clothes, Her silk pantyhose, Walkin' round in women's underwear.
In the store - there's a teddy, Little straps - like spaghetti, It holds me so tight, Like handcuffs at night, Walkin' round in women's underwear. He'll say, "Are you ready? All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There's beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web. Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom? With a listless shrug, I mutter, No, man; I just discovered letterman-dot-com! I don't phone, don't send faxes, Don't go out, don't pay taxes, Who cares if someday They drag me away? I'm happily addicted to the Web. Wreck the Malls to the tune of "Deck the Halls" by Bob Rivers Wreck the Malls this Christmas Seasons Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la; Blow your cash for no good reason Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la; Push your charge card to the limit; Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la; Your checkbook now has nothing in it.
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Wreck the Pet Store do some damage; Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la; Send the beagles on a rampage; Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la; Acting in an uncouth manner; Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Drop your drawers and moon that Santa. Wrap Your Gift Wrap your gift with fingers agile Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Seal it up and mark it "fragile" Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. There's no reason to feel nervous Fa la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la. You can trust the Postal Service Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Hear the postal workers singing Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
As your parcel he is flinging Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. See it crumble in the bin there Fa la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la. Aren't you sorry you walked in there?
See your parcel speed to Phllly Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Through the air to Cousin Billy Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. It will wind up in Savannah Fa la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la. Via Nome and Butte, Montana Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Deck the Labs Deck the labs with rubber tubing Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Use your funnel and your filter Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Don we now our goggles and aprons Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Before we go to our lab stations Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Fill the beakers with solutions Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Mix solutions for reactions Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Watch we now for observations Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. So we can collect our data Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Let me tell you a secret; it's from a drug overdose! All of the other Reindeer used to laugh and call him names. That is what drove poor Rudolph to escape into Cocaine. Then one foggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say, "Rudolph, we know what you've done. All of the other winos, Used to laugh and call him names, They never let poor Rudolph, Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve, Rudolph froze to death in an alley. End of story. Randolph The Brown-Nose Student to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" Randolph the brown-nose student Tried to get a really high score TA's would ask him questions He would give them much much more All of the other students Said that Randolph was a fake They never let poor Randolph Join in any study break Then one foggy finals week The Professor came to say "Randolph, with your ass so tight, Won't you kiss the ground tonight.
Santa Claus is tapping Your phone. He's bugging your rooms, He's reading your mail, He's keeping a file And running a tail. He hears you in the bedroom, Surveils you out of doors, And if that doesn't get the goods, Then he'll use provocateurs. So, you mustn't assume That you are secure. On Christmas Eve He'll kick in your door. Santa Claus is Wielding a Gun to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" Oh, you better watch out You better not pry You better stay back I'm telling you why Santa Claus is wielding a gun He's making a list And checking it twice Gonna find out who He's gonna ice Santa Claus is wielding a gun Don't give him any trouble He'll blow you right away Don't give him any cause to shoot Or you'll make his Christmas Day Oh, you better believe He's packing a rod No coal in your stocking Just lead in your bod Santa Claus is wielding a gun He doesn't want cookies Or none of that crud He doesn't want milk What he wants is your blood Santa Claus is wielding a gun Music Bridge, with machine gun fire He doesn't trust nobody Shot all his reindeer dead Thought Dancer was a sissy And thought Rudolph was a red So, you better watch out You better not pry You better stay back I'm telling you why Santa Claus is wielding a gun.
Sheila and Joy! Watching dancers named Sheila and Joy! It's ten bucks for a private booth Be sure to shut the door The plexi-glass has just been cleaned There's loose change on the floor Your dancer's name is Marjorie Jones She just turned 54! Watching Marjorie play with her Christmas toy! It's five bucks for a bump and grind Fifteen gets you a thrust Shove fifty dollars down their pants They'll let you touch their bust Quadruple that, they'll take you home Protection is a must!
Spending Christmas night with Sheila and Joy! You're in their small apartment now Can't help but fear the worst The change belt on the bedpost Indicates you're not the first There's guilt and shame and yet You make plans for the 31st! I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride. I heard high voices, turned and found The place was occupied By three nuns, two old ladies and a nurse. What could be worse Than three nuns, two old ladies and a nurse? The restroom door said 'Gentlemen' It must have been a gag.
As soon as I walked in there, I ran into some old hag. She sprayed me with a can of mace And hit me with her bag. It just wasn't turning out to be my day. What can I say? It just wasn't turning out to be my day! The restroom door said 'Gentlemen' And I would like to find The crummy little creep Who had the nerve to switch the sign. Because I've got two black eyes And one high heel up my behind. Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy. Boy oh boy! Its joyous revelry and spirit capture you; "At Christmas Time it's hard to be a good religious Jew.
It's "Yo-ho-ho" and mistletoe and Santa's on his way. He goes to synagogue, it doesn't matter which, He's Jewish and he's very proud, "I'd rather fight than switch. Jingle Bells Jingle Bells The children tipped the tree Antique ornaments smashed to bits The kids each say "not me" Dad goes to work each day Engineering things for flight But his real job is at home Refereeing little fights Mom drives the kids around In an ancient Caravan Karate, swimming, children's choir Espresso in her hand-HEY!
The 'Net Is Slow sung to the tune of "Let it Snow" Oh, the network outside is frightful, But on campus, it's so delightful, Our packets have nowhere to go, Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow. It doesn't show signs of stopping, All our packets, our hosts are dropping; Bandwidth is turned way down low, Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow. When we finally connect to a site, It's time to go back to the dorm; But if I could stay here all night, I could submit their Web form.
The network is slowly dying, And, I fear, we're still denying, But as long as AOL is the way to go, Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow. I Hate Snow sung to the tune of "Let it Snow" Oh, the traffic outside is frightful, Accidents aren't so delightful, I'm stuck in this stop-and-go, I hate snow, I hate snow, I hate snow.
Cars are having troubles stopping, Each other they keep popping; I am moving so really slow, I hate snow, I hate snow, I hate snow. When I make it back home tonight How I'll hate going out in the storm; Because cutting wood really bites, But I need more to stay warm. I hate snow, I hate snow, I hate snow. When I make it back home tonight How I'll hate going out to the store; And the crowds that I'll have to fight, I am sure that they won't have any more. Oh, the blizzard outside is frightful, Snowflakes aren't so delightful, I'm trapped with no place to go, I hate snow, I hate snow, I hate snow.
Each month, your cry for payments My letter-box bombards; I'm one more sap Caught in your trap Next year I'll just send cards. I knew it must be him Santa is a very slim. And his sideburns where much darker than the whiskers on his chin.